Christmas 2014

Though most of 2014 was a bust and much of it very painful, excruciating and many things had to be cancelled or postponed I still treasure it for its gifts and joy.  The cold that we had all November and December is behind us, I hope, I hope! and we're prepping for Christmas.  I might say we are enjoying delight as we sing from the cantata.  Funny I want to do that again.  I sat down here with the idea of opening up, say 10 pages off the top, some of it relevant, some of it silly.  I had a massage today... nice, very very nice,  Which reminds me of Cat's Cradle.. another of those bizarre items I picked off the shelf.  It was in the school but not its curriculum.  Navigating that was no trouble, the kids lied the book, got the point and enjoyed the humor Vonnegut gave it.  It was a kind of treat, a novel I'd throw in just before Christmas because it takes place at Christmas and has a sorta Christmacy essence to it.  I guess that relationship would be in a wonder world, scene splitting, time gauging.  Still, you can't go wrong with hh.  Salinger can take kids into a reality they don't know and like.  It's also over a vacation, again Christma, and must be presented carefully lest students think Holden's self-destruct in deftly avoided but the Caufield are a sorry family, money, prestige, maids, chauferrs, private school and still the kids turn out rotten, some do, some down.  He's my brudda the onr wiaf says about another when asked about their relationship the fact they are cutting school.  Plus give kudos to Salinger who frames the modern neolithic with the two bruddas.  Ah Pittsburgh, though should be flourishing.  There's talent in them there hills, real talents, sports, science, comedy, writers.  For towns slung onto rocky mountains, the folks do as best as they can to cling on... hey clingon.  You get the idea, them western hills around Pittsburgh produce some remarkable people, your speaker among them.  ha ha,
So it comes to this.  One doctor on a surgical mania thinks i should have a robotic neural surgry to trim back parts of the 3nd and 2nd facial nerves of the trigeminal.  It's th nerve of function conecting the necessary eye teeth to the brain, allowing the brain to gauge snd chew.  So the assurances are that I have an 80% of never having this neuraligia headaches, the cautions that there is a 20% chance of some pralysis twenty or more years away.  What a classic approach-avoidance dilemma!   More information is needed and I need to consult both my family doctor, dentst and dental clinic.  Lots of calls and visits to doubt.  I am willing to look into it, see what others say, consider how I want to go forward.  The dental neuralgia can't be ignored.

TURP Good news and Better new

So the ordeal of TURP surgery is nearly over.  Transurethal Resectioning of the Prostate is the medical term.  Roto Rooter surgery is the street term and the one that most describes it.  But first the good news and the better news.  First I have no cancer cells in my bladder and second I don't have prostate cancer.  This doesn't mean the bladder cancer is gone for good but that as of now, it has been eliminated.  Of course periodic cystoscopic checks will be needed.  As to the TURP well that was done about 3 weeks ago and today I thought all the post surgical pain was gone.  It was until about half hour ago but it's not so bad that I need to call the dr. for a refill of oxycontin.. had enough of that stuff for a lifetime though it does make one feel warm and fuzzy.  For now it's pyridium a nasty urethal anelgesic that turns the urine orange.. bright orange to red.
What this damn TURP surgery accomplished was it forced us to cancel our long-awaited trip to London and Wales,  The doctor or his nurse was fairly emphatic that should the worst happen I'd end up in a foreign country will a prostate that was bleeding and that no on would have my medical records or know how to proceed.  So far that hasn't happened but not to say it wouldn't have.  Then there was the problem that being in recovery from surgery I might not enjoy the trip as much.  There was always the option of allowing Anita to go alone but she wouldn't hear of it.  Yesterday I was glad we hadn't gone.. I slept all all day and the ache was there through it all. Until a short time ago I was terrific and ok but now I am getting some pain vibes.  The codeine is all gone.. so I'll see how the night goes.
The worst part of this was missing the trip to London.  Well the second worst part.  The worst part was two bouts of AUR, Acute Urinary Retention.. when the uretha is unable to allow water to pass from the bladder and out because the prostate is swollen and choking off the uretha.  First there is the fear, followed by drops of blood, then the bladder goes into spasm as it fill and expects to be emptied.  The pain i gruesome.. Spanish Inquisition style pain, kidney stone pain.  Finally the bladder is drained after a tube is inserted.  Once the bladder was emptied I fellt better than I've ever felt.  The relief was ecstasy.  Opps.. my bladder is giving me twinges.. I have to see it I can void.  That's the other scary part.  Even afetr a few weeks, I'm not sure that when I try to void I'll be able to void.  It almost makes me avoid voiding.  Pun.
None of this has been fun.  I guess the best part is that readers, if there are any left, will no longer have to put up with my whining Cancer Journal by the day.  It wasn't fun and neither was what followed.  But I am back.. I feel ok and soon I'll be doing the things I usually do which is usually nothing.  On the good side I have been reading and missing the trip to London did allow us to watch the Preakness.. bfd. I'll take London and Wales, Oh yeah and I also missed my 50th high school class reunion. What more is there to live for?  My grandsons.
Gotta go Supper is ready.

Living with Cancer Days 6,7,8 plus ye old prostate

Living with cancer part 4 a day later

It was a good day, or so I thought.  We'd been wakened by a ring and run at 2 am. I ignored it because I had a catheter in my penis, not too quick with that dangling.  Earlier in the day, a new low.  I awoke in a pool of pee.  My bag had leaked.  My own fault.  But the day really hadn't been bad until we discovered vandalism.  Someone had tried to pry the Benz door ajar.  We notice that opening and closing a door was a bit more difficult.  Then we noticed a dent near the lock.  Seriously someone had tried to enter my car.  Pisses me off.  Door locks are tricky business to replace.  It takes a knowledgeable hand to handle the job and it may never be right!  I reported the crime.  What else is there to do?  Today I peed!  It's a really big deal to me because I'm on my own. Now I can recover from a dreadful week.  The biopsy messed me up. Close for today.

Living with cancer parts 5 and 6

I have skipped a few days since my last entry and things have gone from bad to worse.  Mostly things have gotten worse because I am such an idiot.  Yesterday I worked fairly hard and then had to lunatic feeling that I wanted to have a kick or thrill.. end that there.
This cancer is horrible.  Today I woke to a retention problem again and had to have my bladder drained and a catheter re-inserted.  Oh goodie.  After the bladder was drained I came home and went to sleep for two hours of delicious and satistying rest. In the morning  I was in agony, horrible terrible pain with spurts of blood shooting out and ruining my underwear.  Everything is a mess.. I have no life lately.  All I do is suffer and worry.  I worry about the suffering.  When I was at the doctor's I made a pest of myself and finally got an MA* to take care of me.  It seemed as if I were being passed off to the unlucky one.  But Barb did a nice job.  I wasn't the most tractable patient. Barb kept trying to get a sonar of my bladder and as she pushed down on my bladder she kept teeling me to relax but the pain was so exquisite I couldn't relax. We did get the sounding and she inserted a tube and drained me then added the catheter and sent me home. It's a very humbling thing to lose control of one's body.  I never imagined that this cancer would knock me over and rob me of my life.  Well there's only so much one can say about pain and suffering until people stop listening or reading.  So dear reader I apologiza.
You can't know where I am coming from and I hope you never do!  l cancelled our Easter diinner with friends and our daughter is bringing her three pets for us to keep for a 10 days while she is on a cruise.  I'm not going to be any good to my wife with those pets.  Talk about bad timing.  Things certainly have gotten out of hand..
I've vowed to fight this cancer and now is the time to pull myself up and do that.  For now best wishes to all from a sick and tired man.
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired! How am I going to take the dog for a walk. with a catheter in my penis?  I can't do it.  And the operation.. scares me. I've stood all I can stands and I can't stand no more.  Back to my book.  At least I had an 800 page plus novel to entertain me.

* Medical assistant

Living with cancer and catheters part 3

I'd begun thise entry earlier on my IPad but lost it when I accidentally touched the screen.  The first attempt began with a rather gross description of a reecnt experiences with catheters.  Five days ago I had a biopsy and re-sectioning of my bladder.  I awoke with a catheter in my uretha.  The catheter was in until two days later when my wife pulled it out.  Well she didn't pull it, she gently released it. No problems or so I thought.  Later than night I awoke with an urge to void.  Nothing new for a man my age.  But,  I couldn't pee.. It just wouldn't flow.  I was in agony, a full bladder and I was unable to relieve the urge.  I tried a bath, a shower, running water.. all of which usually cause the bladder to give release its contents.  Nothing worked and as the night went on, the pain and the urges got worse.  Every five minutes or so I'd have a spasm and then attempt to pass the water.  Drops might fly out but no stream.  It was agony and I was sure I'd be in the Emergency Room by dawn.  But I fought through the pain; it must have been the vicoden that helped me.  Finally I called the urological centers for the on-call doctor, who just happened to by the doctor who had performed my procedure.  He told me to meet him at the office.  Of course I couldn't get there soon enough.

Once at the doctor's office a nurse took me to an observation room and put a catheter in an drained me.  Drained its the right word here because the bladder was top full.  It yielded almost a half gallon of urine.  The relief was tremendous and immediate.  My coloring had gone white as a sheet and even as I was being drained the color came back.  As the nurse inserted the catheter I recited the poem Invictus.. which I have memorized for those occasions when pain will be overwhelming.  It works.  The new catheter was inserted and I was sent home and told to keep the cateter in until Monday, four days away.  So here I am with my second catheter in a week and feeling almost normal.  Normal to a person wearing a catheter has little meaning.  Things are improving.. thanks not only to the catheter but also vicoden.
Add to this miseryfest a pulled back and you, dear reader, may only imagine the state I am in presently.

As much as I am looking forward to getting the catheter out I am also worried that history will repeat itself.  What if, what it, what if.  But I will survive this.  My urologist has also given me a medication which will shrink my prostate.  The prostate is swollen or enlarged and that is choking off the flow from bladder to uretha.  The doctor also mentioned a follow-up surgery called the roto-rooter.  I've heard about that and what I've heard isn't pretty.  Even the name of the surgery is disgusting. If the medication shrinks the prostate I'll be happy but then again, what if?  So I go on and on with worry and dread.  There is literally a cloud hanging over my head.

If you've never had a catheter in then try to avoid it.  I never thought I would welcome the relief that a catheter can offer.  Now I am afraid I will not be able to go on without one.  But I do intend to try.  Once a person experiences not being able to pee, one learns that catheters are a blessing.  Until then, the catheter is a loathsome device.  The inability to pee took me to my knees and made me welcome the catheter.. cancer teaches a person many things most of which I would prefer not to know: How to shower with a catheter in.  How to have a BM with a catheter in.  How to sit down slowly so as to prevent jerking the catheter and causing pain of a new sort.  As I said, if you have never had a catheter in try to keep it that way and should you need one, be grateful that such a device is available,  loathsome as it may sound.  Until my next post, be well my friends.

Living with cancer Part 2

Every day brings new and even more despicable side effects and suffering to a cancer patient, even one who is going to survive the disease.  For the squeamish reader I suggestion a gut check because the next few paragraphs are about to get graphic and real.  Last night or rather early this morning I had to urinate.  I woke from sleep with the painful urge to urinate and tried and tried.  As I strained to urinate only a drop or two would actually be voided.  The pain was crippling, brutal and scary.  Not being able to void was an experience I would never wish on anyone.  No matter what I did the flow would not begin.  The urges came at frequent intervals about every five minutes and drove me to take a bath, a shower anything to help the pee start to flow.  After hours of urges the pain grew even more intense.  The dripping continued, a few drops here and few there.  From 3 a.m. untol 6:30 a.m. I suffered horrible pains as I tried to pee without any relief or success.  Not being able to pee is something no one should ever experience and taught me not to be such a wise ass about cancer.
I never thought I'd ever have such a deflating expierence.  It was humiliating, frightening and most educational.  At 6:30 I called the urologist's and my doctor was on-call.  I explained my symptoms and tried to focus on the doctor's responses.  I couldn't.  When he said that I should come into the office I gladly agreed.  I'd spent hours defying my own acknowledgement that something dreadful was happening and that I should call 911for an ambulance to take me to the hospital.  The doctor's suggestion was hope, finally something was going to be done to put me out of my misery.

My wife and I got in the car at 7:30 or so and had only gone a quarter mile when I said that we should go home.  Again the false urgings of a full bladder had nearly taken me to my knees.  I went in the house in a crawl and again attempted to get the flow going.  Nothing doing.  After gaining my composure and putting a cup down my pants we headed to the doctor's office again.  On the way I had several urges but no results.  The long plastic cup in my sweat pants merely collected the dribble that would following each painful urge to pee.

Once at the doctor's I scooted upstairs and was nearly bent over when I got into the office.  As soon as I checked with the receptionist, I asked to be allowed to use the rest room.  No relief just unsucessful urges to pee.  As I exited the bathroom a nurse got my attention and took into an observation room. She was going to scan my bladder to see if it were full.  It was!  Before she could scan me I had the urges and dribbled on the table and floor.  I was in too much pain to be embarassed.  Finally the blaader was scoped out and surprise it was full.
Next the nurse had to insert a catheter to allow me to urinate.  This was very painful but at lasr the catheter was in and fluid began to stream out.  I must have passed almost a half gallon of water.  As the water flowed out a wave of relief spread over me.  Then that tube was changed and a traveling tube inserted.  Ah the relief.  One minute I thought I was dying, the next hope, ease, relief.  The nurse commented that I was pale as a ghost when I entered the room and that after the draining and a cather, the color had come back.

I discussed the problem with the urologist who said I might need to have a surgery that would open the bladder and uretha meeting point.
I also learned my prostate was swollen and that was the cause of my discomfort and inability to pee,  He gave me a sample of a medication meant to shrink my prostate.  So far so good.  The pain is gone, the catheter is doing what I can't and I am tired.  Exhausting and frightenng to be in such a fix.  If the reader has not experiecned this, then the reader will not know the franic feelings it  caused.  Would I ever pee.. would I ever come back home?  What the heck had done this to me.  Dear reader thank you for your indulgence.  No more graphics until I can finally rid my body of other waste because besde being bound up in front I am also tight as a drum on the back side.
As yesterday's post intimated, trying to have a bowel movement with a catheter attached is no picnic.  Now to address that with a smile and hope things will work out.

Yes, this was a vary scary and painful experience.  Not one I'd wish on anybody.. Certainly not one I'd ever want to have again.  But you never know.  Yesterday I was a bit too cocky about how powerful and scary cancer can become.  I'll not be that way again. I am humbled and frightened that this might happen again.  Wish me well.

Living with cancer

Living with cancer is far better than dying from cancer but cancer is a monster regardless.  I've been involved with cancer for two years now and cancer is a bitch.   It's the continuing round of treatments and discomfort that cancer visits on its hosts that make it so terrible.  To date I have had 15 BCG treatments, 3 cystoscopies and 3 surgeries.  I am sitting in my rocker and the phone is ringing but I can't answer it because I have a catheter in my body.  Before all this I never thought I could face a tube in the uretha but I have.  Cancer has made me stronger and capable of facing so many painful and disgusting things I never knew I could.  Yet this weekend I pulled my back out.  So I am as mobile as a potted plant.  I need a shower.. Can't do it!  I haven't been able to sit on the commode.
Odd the catheter is more like a ball and chain than a medical device.  As to the procedures, those seem to be something out of the Spanish Inquisition.
We live life day to day no matter how we may believe we look to the future.  It's a second at a time and when it's a procedure, the moments seem so much longer.  At first I thought I'd be cured and on my way back to a normal life.  Now normal has no meaning.  At my initial diagnosis I was told that bladder cancer was the one to have, if one was going to have cancer so I didn't take the news as seriously as I should have.  People who have bladder cancer can live 20, 30 or more years with bladder cancer and that bladder cancer wouldn't kill them. It may be true but from my perspective, bladder cancer may not kill me but it has stolen the quality of life, for sure.  It's a bitch to be the constant companion of a disease that has turned me into a pin cushion.  It's a bitch and nasty, nasty business.  There is no one I've ever known that I'd wish this on, no one.  Maybe that's my humanity coming to the fore. maybe that is the positive thing I've gotten from cancer. . Be well everyone and may God spare you this.  God bless all cancer patients.  This is a devil..

April's fools

Hello and welcome back to Lem's Gems for another exciting round of world travel, commentary and photos.  And all of it for free!  Now isn't that a bargain?  Why sure it is.  So it is April and what are we to expect during these early days of Spring?  I hope warnth and sunshine.  After a hard winter the body needs fresh vitamin D from our old friend the Sun.  The birds are back.. at first a few, a bird or two but now they fill the yard with song, all day long.  They wake me in the morning and then put to sleep at night as I hear them (the birds) nesting in the tree outside out bedroom.  We've done a children's book on identifying backyard birds.  This is for out grandson Henry and of course his brother Ben.  The boys are getting into bird watching.. not a bad thing for little kids.  Anita has bought two plush bird toys that make the birds' natural songs.. the chicakadee and the golden finch (yellow if you like).  It's a treat to listen to birds in the yard and be able to identify the birds, plus it is also a treat to identify the flight patterns of certain birds.. the swooping of the finches, the circling of a hawk.  Our backyard hawk has been noticeably absent of late.  I think I saw him once before a big storm.  Usually he flies in, sits in a tree and watches the other birds at the feeders.  Since the hawk is such an able hunter, he never descends to the feeders.  He just shows up to make his presence known.  Good for him!
Today is cloudy and cool.. but not cold.  Every now and then a shower will start but nothing to speak of in the way of rain. For today and all the days of our lives, let us pray for guidance and hope for the best.  Now that the world is entirely new and almost boundless, every day is a new day.  Be well my friends.

Gratitude 2

My original intent of expressing gratitude in blogs presents a problem and that problem is that the format constricts sentence variety.  It becomes a simplistic subject, linking verb and predicate adjective or preposition. Stylistic constraint at its worst which should be something for which I am grateful.  On the other hand, I might revert to enumeration and list those things for which I am grateful with numerbers.  Not much room for creativity, humor or serious reflection.
Precision.  One other difficulty is verb selection.  One may be grateful for silence, health, a spouse, a life style.  Tiresome.  Happy.. Now I might employ that.  I am happy to be retired but happy is too weak a verb to express my gratitude.  Ecstatic comes much closer to my state of being.  Alas I must conclude that a gratitude blog gives small room for the intent of my original blog.  Quite honestly several of my original blogs were quite good, almost brilliant, funny and journalistic.  It would be a shame to deviate from my original program.  I am left with the conclusion that I must abandoned this blog of gratitude and return to my former intent.  Never fear dear reader (and there is only one) I shall return.

Gratitude blog January 11, 2014

Today I am grateful for so many things. I am grateful for those great Americans who established our constitution and the great Americans who have served to protect our way of life.  I am grateful for life and the factors that brought my wife into my life.  On another level I am grateful for remote control and the mute button.  Modern medicine is a gift for which we should all be grateful.  My warm home and the social benefits won for me are things for which there are not enough words to express my gratitude.