Living with cancer parts 5 and 6

I have skipped a few days since my last entry and things have gone from bad to worse.  Mostly things have gotten worse because I am such an idiot.  Yesterday I worked fairly hard and then had to lunatic feeling that I wanted to have a kick or thrill.. end that there.
This cancer is horrible.  Today I woke to a retention problem again and had to have my bladder drained and a catheter re-inserted.  Oh goodie.  After the bladder was drained I came home and went to sleep for two hours of delicious and satistying rest. In the morning  I was in agony, horrible terrible pain with spurts of blood shooting out and ruining my underwear.  Everything is a mess.. I have no life lately.  All I do is suffer and worry.  I worry about the suffering.  When I was at the doctor's I made a pest of myself and finally got an MA* to take care of me.  It seemed as if I were being passed off to the unlucky one.  But Barb did a nice job.  I wasn't the most tractable patient. Barb kept trying to get a sonar of my bladder and as she pushed down on my bladder she kept teeling me to relax but the pain was so exquisite I couldn't relax. We did get the sounding and she inserted a tube and drained me then added the catheter and sent me home. It's a very humbling thing to lose control of one's body.  I never imagined that this cancer would knock me over and rob me of my life.  Well there's only so much one can say about pain and suffering until people stop listening or reading.  So dear reader I apologiza.
You can't know where I am coming from and I hope you never do!  l cancelled our Easter diinner with friends and our daughter is bringing her three pets for us to keep for a 10 days while she is on a cruise.  I'm not going to be any good to my wife with those pets.  Talk about bad timing.  Things certainly have gotten out of hand..
I've vowed to fight this cancer and now is the time to pull myself up and do that.  For now best wishes to all from a sick and tired man.
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired! How am I going to take the dog for a walk. with a catheter in my penis?  I can't do it.  And the operation.. scares me. I've stood all I can stands and I can't stand no more.  Back to my book.  At least I had an 800 page plus novel to entertain me.

* Medical assistant