So what's the point? We can't stop the flatulence, but we're taught from an early age to be polite and wait for an appropriate time and place. I have a solution to those problem which I will mention later.
For many the opportunity to let one rip is an occasion for merriment and a chance to disgust friends and family. We have names for the various forms of flatulence: the loud but odorless (hereafter called LBO's), the silent but deadlies (the SBD's), the little poppers with a frangrance akin to peanuts.. the peanuttiest, the repeaters, the putter farts, the green vaporous fart that clings in the air - these are the ones we like to let but which are thoroughly disgusting to those in the vicinity. These greenies seem to have a life all their own often spreading around a small area and taking a long time to fade. Another variety is the squealor fart that high pitched fart that has a sound all its own. Then there is the pre-poop fart..and finally the finest anal expression of all time the fart that surrounds a turd's exit. anyone who has ever experienced this type of fart knows that it is a pleasure beyond compare.. the turd that exits with a blast of gas is peprhaps natures finest creation. Then there are combination farts such as the belch and fart, the sneeze and fart, and a dozens of others. I welcome suggestions. Also, I hypothecate that every person's farts are as specific as one's voice. Science needs to look into this.. or sniff into this to see if there is any scientific validity to it.
Most of us have learned how to fart silently by lifting a butt cheek. We've all also experienced the accidental noise-maker that we thought would be a hisser but turns into a blaster the LBO.
I have a suggestion for a product that would end this outhouse effect. and improve social life. It is a product I call FPH.. a thin sheet of absorbent tissue placed inside the under wear.. FPH stands for For Posterior Hygiene. This product has numerous benefits. First the FPH will absorb the fumes and turn them into pleaant smelling perfumed air... thus benefitting the environment. In addition the FPH will decrease the sound of a fart and allow people to expel gas whenever they chose and not suffer the disconfort of holding it back... something I'm sure all of us have done at some time. Some time it just isn't convenient or polite to let one go.. say while in church, at a funeral, while dining out or even making out. FPH makes ancient history of this.
The benefits of FPH are limitless. First it will clean up the foul air that each of the 6 billion of us creates daily which will greatly improve our ecological butt print. Second we will avoid the embarassment that the accidental fart often causes. Third our insides will not have to suffer the uncomfortable feeling of holding back a fart until an appropriate time. Third, a new industry will be created.. FPH factories. which will create jobs... Also, used FPH's can be recycled, aired out and reused. In addition our under garments will not longer be befouled by the fart gone bad.. ye olde skid mark.
Who can possibly object to my FPH proposal. Scientists can begin working on this project with the goal of improving the very air we breathe. The word stinker would become obsolete.. and the obnoxious people who rip off nasties will be rendered silent and inoffensive. What a proposal. We will have the benefit of the old saying 'there's more room outside than inside' without the obnoxious odors that often are issued with that statement. Clothing will last longer, underwear will retain its pristine color and society and the environment will benefit from the end of the outhouse effect. Thus we can all reduce our ecological butt print while becoming more civil, a concept long over due. May the farts with you!
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