Saturday, April 3, 2010

The Toylet and more

The all new cross between a Toyota and a Chevrolet will be coming soon to a dealership near you. It's called the Toylet. I hope readers will excuse this bit of bathroom humor but what a concept. Imagine a car that runs on poop. A car you can fill up without leaving the comfort of your driver's seat. Of course there is one tiny problem- emissions. But the Excrement Protection Agency (EPA) will certainly embrace and allow this daring new idea.
Only kidding folks.
Here's the heart of the matter. Many of you may know that years ago the state of Maryland and probably the United States had movie censorship boards which decided which films were suitable for public viewing and which weren't. Whatever happened to those boards? When were they disbanded? Has anything replaced them?
Today there doesn't seem to be any standard for films. Has anybody else noted how many films have not been rated and yet are coming to theaters near you? But the real question that confronts us is what happened to the Constitution that allowed such censorship in those days? Isn't it the same Constitution? When did it change? Who changed it? Why? Oh, I get it: it's the same Constitution only with a different interpretation? I guess it's the new and improved Constitution, upgraded for today's audiences. But is everything really new and improved? Could it be new and unimproved or old and unimproved? While you are wrapping your mind around that, have a nice day or maybe not.

Friday, April 2, 2010

ENTERTAINMENT AND LIESURE(sic)

I can spell but Fox News can't! Today, April 2, 2010, Fox News ran a scroll about the improvement in the jobs market as issued by the White House. One area which showed marked growth was (according to Fox) Entertainment and Liesure. Now was Fox making a joke of the president's comments or was this a spelling error made by the network. According to Lem- in this his first article under the new title Lem's Gems (formerly known as Lem's Corner)- Fox would do well to hire proof readers or at least people who can read and write the English language instead of filling up its air time with an endless line of pretty faces. Don't take that the wrong way. I like the faces Fox has hired but in the process, Fox is besmirching its reputation by not hiring editors and production staff who have some skills in the English language. This is the least a network that claims to be America's 'fair and balanced' network can do. By the way Fox- I'm available. I wouldn't be the first former teacher to grace the payroll at Fox, would I.

Here's a gem from the pen of Lem. Ever wonder what the advertising phrase "new and improved" means? Here you go: it means we (the manufacturers) have a new package (as in the 11.5 ounce pound of coffee) that has "improved" our (the manufacturers) profits. So that's what's new and improved.

Consider this: somewhere in this great land of ours there is a government sponsored program designed to find out whether woodpeckers get headaches from their pecking. Well, if there isn't one- there will be. Or should there be? Think of the positive benefits- we could find out what chemical in the woodpecker's brain prevents or cures its headaches. Isn't that something we could all agree is worth tax payers' money? The Entertainment and Liesure industry could sell this compound to all those who can afford to be entertained and liesurely.

I hope any and all who've read this enjoyed the humor of it. And don't forget to tune in for another episode of LEM'S GEMS.